“How we need another soul to cling to.”― Sylvia Plath

I’ve found there’s a new kind of loneliness that sneaks in these days. Having recently turned 30 and being single — it wasn’t something I had illusions about not happening. I just didn’t expect it to burrow in the way it has.

Don’t judge me but this thought became present because I was listening to my old CDs and the song “Gotta Be Somebody” by Nickelback came on. I was suddenly reminded of a 16-year old me, listening to this song and wishing I had a person. Waiting eagerly for my person. It made me a little sad to think that the 30 year old me was listening to the same song with that same longing. Fucking Nickelback.

A lot of it has to do with getting older which inevitably I am! I can no longer pretend I am not. 30 isn’t old but it is a milestone. I spend more time alone. When we were younger, we simply had more time to spend with friends and loved ones. But working full time, the windows of time we get has gotten much smaller. Most of my friends are married and some have kids, they have extra responsibilities — in-laws to see, own families to pop into. Friendships, while still important, consist of catch-ups in the spaces in between.

I honestly just miss the days where our lives overlapped in everyday ways. I miss walking into my friend’s house and knowing where everything was in her cupboards — being able to help myself to a cup of tea without a second thought. You can’t really wander into her in-laws house quite as easily.

It’s all the drops of domesticity we would all share when our worlds were much larger and could hold more people. I remember having a Nokia brick phone and never enough credit but so many people I needed to text. Now my phone holds a significantly smaller amount of people.

I grew up with an older sister — I think pretty much everything I watched in my teen years was with her, through some dodgy link, until a ridiculous time in the morning. We would chat though it all and start something new right away. Although I have movie nights with friends — I never really get the opportunity to binge watch something with someone else in the same frantic way.

At this age, everyone has something going on.

They are dealing with one thing or another and it’s an age in which we all have to be a little self involved. Things are just not as easy and light as they used to be. Life happens. People have kids, people lose loved ones, people have sucky jobs. Things are just so much more real and stressful now than they were in our teens or early twenties.

It’s also learning that although I have people who I know love me and care for me — I am not anyone's singular number 1 priority. When something great happens or something bad occurs, I find myself wanting to tell someone. I look at the handful of people who I speak to constantly and find myself cataloguing what they are going through to consider if they have the capacity to care. I know a lot of that is on me and it’s possible they’d want me to tell them regardless. But that’s where I’m at.

This is not to say that I do not have family and friends who I adore with all my heart. I do, and I’m extremely blessed to have the best people in existence in my life. But there still seems to be a gap in my life that I low key hope someone will fit into.

I crave those quiet moments with people you love. Where you’re both doing your own thing but existing in the same moment. Having those shared familiarities. I want to be part of someone’s every day life.

There is so much love that I still have to give — moments I want to share — time I want to spend with someone.